So you're feeling blue: thoughts on therapy and wellness

Hey! Thanks for reading! Just a reminder that I wrote this some years ago, and may have much more complicated feelings about this topic than I did when I wrote it. Happy to elaborate, feel free to reach out to me! 😄

🎵 The song for this post is Welcome to Paradise, by Green Day. One of the best drum tracks in rock & roll 🤘. 🎵

It's been about 10 years since I wrote my depression post. It's neat as a personal history document, and I think you could do a lot worse (I've gotten a ton of affirming messages from readers over the years), but I think of The Blues a little differently now. Since August I've heard many conversations about people wanting therapy for themselves or their friends, and after two decades of trying to get my psyche in check, I have some opinions about this.

As before, this is all capital-O Opinion. If you or someone you know is considering therapy, I hope this is useful.

This was LinkedIn outreach. Click for full size. One of the oddities of having a personal blog. Still grateful to get it.

Talk Therapy

Almost all mentions of therapy mean some form of talk therapy, where you (or your insurance) pays someone to sit and talk to you for ~50 minutes. Less understood is that there are many "modalities" of this: when you say "I want to do therapy" it's a bit like saying "I want to make music."

Great! Which instrument? Do you want to sing? Will you be starting with Classical, Jazz, Pop, or something else? Or do you want to be a DJ? Should you read tabs, or go straight into learning traditional music notation? Some of these will work better than others for any individual trying to "make music;" it's the same in therapy. Generations of very smart people have dedicated their lives to understanding what makes people struggle and what they need to recover, and they disagree with each other wildly. I'll go through a few of the different modalities, but skip to this section if you just want me to get juicy about them.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

By far the most popular of the "talk therapies" offered in the States, if you don't ask, you're probably getting this. To steal a favorite metaphor from this long article, CBT treats your depression like cancer: get it out of me! It's more concerned with getting you back on your feet via a set of strategies and coping mechanisms than the "why" of why you feel a certain way. The why matters less; do these strategies, then get out there and live the life you want!

It's extremely popular because, again, being so results-oriented in the short-term, it often seems to work! I dare you to try 10 sessions of CBT and convince yourself you got nothing out of it. If you're struggling to function (e.g. you have a phobia so strong you can't get in a tunnel or a plane; or you literally can't leave bed in the morning), I find the strategies pretty useful. That said, it's my least favorite of the modalities.

The other reason it's popular: it's easy to insure. They're so immediate-results-focused that most insurance will cover 1 "program" of 10 sessions, after which, you're on your own. When I worked at Google (and was more depressed than I'd ever felt in my life), they had 10 free sessions for employees, and I think this was modeled after CBT. The other modalities take longer to show results, because they're fundamentally trying to do something different. While the strategies of CBT are effective, and I recognize not everyone wants to dig deeper, I find it less rewarding overall.

Psychoanalysis

Using the medical metaphor again: psychoanalysis treats your depression like abdominal pain from an unknown cause: you really want to know why you're in pain before you just treat it blindly. CBT would give you painkillers to get you on your way. Psychoanalysis is all about figuring out why the abdomen (or your psyche) is hurting, since, depending on what it is, it could be very dangerous to try to "push through it," and if you don't fight it at the source, you'll risk eventually relapsing into the hell you're trying to escape. For acute things, CBT is great, since you want to function now. But if it's a bigger deal than a quick phobia or regular panic attacks, you might find yourself in and out of 10-packs for decades to come, whereas a sprinkle of psychoanalysis would go a long way.

If you're in your head (and if you're a fan of this blog, I suspect you are), I suggest being open to psychoanalysis. If you like building mental models, it's just more fun! You transform the feelings that torture you into beautiful puzzles. Enemies to lovers: your inner demons turn out not to be demons, but other sides of yourself you get to befriend and love, like in a dating sim.

Undertale is a neat game because you can do the normal thing of killing all the monsters, but you can also befriend them, and win without killing. Approaches to wellness and self-improvement tend to split the same way: Fuck you and die, part of me that sucks!! vs. hey little buddy... what's the matter?

That said, psychoanalysis also totally sucks. Insurance companies are very stingy about it. Private psychoanalysts are very expensive. Like dating, your results will vary wildly depending on your fit with the analyst: even if they're talented and clever, they might not be good for you (I saw one for years who helped me stave away suicidal ideations, but he had an incurious and infantile understanding of sexual desire, which put a real ceiling on our work). It's quite easy for it to fall into social gabbing instead of doing the work. I think bad ones are worse than bad CBT practitioners, and it takes longer to root them out.

Also: it's frequently up its own ass. Freud and his successors had a lot of great ideas but also some absolutely coked-out ones, and while there's been a century of work on Freud's ideas after the fact, the tracts I've read by more contemporary people also have whiffs of "head-up-the-ass"-edness. When a field has a level of jargon that's comparable to the Deconstructionists, at a certain point you can't help but see the conversations they have as anything but a cleverness contest far removed from any reality. But like the Deconstructionists, there's also plenty worth engaging with.

Me, after presenting a theory: "Well, does that sound believable?"
Analyst: "I'm a psychoanalyst, I don't believe in anything. Including psychoanalysis!"

— One of the best analysts I've ever worked with

But, if you find a good fit: it's my favorite of the talk therapies.

DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy)

Coming clean: I've never done a full DBT program. I've been close to a few people who have, and it seems fantastic. My impression is that it does what CBT tries to do, but better, especially if you're someone who spends time in their head.

To use the medical analogy, where CBT treated your sadness as cancer and psychoanalysis as abdominal pain, I'd consider DBT more like "occupational therapy for an amputee." If I understand correctly (and folks who've done DBT, please email me if I've got this wrong): DBT doesn't presume to be able to "fix" you with quick schemes to get you on your way, nor does it pontificate over how your relationship with your parents gives clues for why skateboarders make you nervous, which will unlock your depression's secrets. No, DBT is like "okay, you've got these negative patterns: how do we acknowledge instead of reject these parts of you, while also giving you strategies for how to live a life you love around them?" A bit of "get results now" strategies with a smidge of pontification and tons of room for self-exploration and self-awareness. The strategies I've seen seemed rather effective while being less saccharine and aggressive than CBT strategies.

Again, I have the least experience with this, but if you Google "DBT worksheets" and look at what they show, you'll get a flavor of the self-aware strategies and frameworks, and I think they're neat.

Sketch from the ancient MAD TV, which I saw in syndication one time when I was a kid. If you can also name "Bob Newhart" it's probably about time to think of prostate exams. Also, embedding this sketch is not an endorsement (if anything, it's what happens internally for many folks without therapy). Therapists I've shown this to loved it.

Psychiatrists

Disclaimer: I've never medicated myself. I'm gonna go into deep water: for many people, I'd consider non-medical solutions first, and then freely, shamelessly go to medication if other approaches haven't worked. Most psychiatrists I know are very, very quick to prescribe medication, so to me "seeing a psychiatrist" vs. another modality is just a path to medication, though ostensibly a number of them will also make some effort to get to know you before reaching for the pad.

I don't mean to stigmatize medication: it's radically changed the lives of many people very close to me. But I'll state my bias for psychoanalysis as a metaphor:

Imagine you're having dinner hosted by the other parts of yourself. You're making polite conversation in the dining room, having a laugh or two, swiveling the wine, catching up. Then the basement door opens and a bloodied, bruised, fanatical part of yourself bursts out, yelling "help! help!! It's fucking crazy down there! The horror!!" before guys in uniforms with sunglasses and earpieces subdue the bloodied intruder, apologize, bring them back into the torture basement, and close the door behind them.

Medication, to me, looks at that and says "the solution is to reinforce the basement door so no one can kick it down, maybe add bigger locks." People experience medication lots of different ways, so I don't want to be reductive here. But many report that the pain (and sometimes the joys, but not always) just "goes away." My opinion is that your pain is trying to tell you something. It's unpleasant to experience, and if you're struggling to function at all, yes! Bolt those doors so you can get through a dinner, because you deserve a happy life. But other approaches may better allow you to go safely into the basement, and maybe you can free any hostages in there, and stop the torture in the first place.

Again, this isn't possible for everyone. I've been exposed to schizophrenics, and they're a good reminder: many people's brain chemistry is just so altered that they can only begin to live comfortably after some intervention. If the pain is too unbearable, please bring it down however you want to. But as much as I have a "politics of life," things I think life is about and what makes it worth living, thinking about psyches and is something I think is very valuable. I would encourage my friends to consider exploring the basement first if it's possible (or at the very least, in addition to. The alts are worth looking at!).

It's usually not specified

Many people don't attach themselves so strongly to a modality at all. Many are counselors, many have social work backgrounds. There are a ton of modalities and submodalities I know less about and haven't tried. Therapy is a bit like exercise: if you're doing it for years, you'll have opinions about what works and what doesn't (cardio vs. weights, which sport is most accessible, what makes a good spin class...). But if you've never done it, sign up for literally anything. Getting your blood pumping, however you do it, is a massive improvement, and similarly, if you're in a hole, grab onto anything you possibly can to get out of it.

Opinion time

All that said... talk therapy is marvelous, but I'd strongly consider supplementing it with one of the alts below. And if you can't find a talk therapist, try an alt to start. Why?

Talk therapy, whatever the modality, can be slow, especially when you start. It's murderously hard to find a therapist who is talented that you like, it's hard for a depressed person to navigate the insurance, and even when you're going, being that vulnerable and honest with both yourself and someone else is a foreign muscle you have to train before it becomes operational. The alts are more likely to charge per-session, but they're easier to find, less expectation for you to do it for years, and you can sign up immediately.

Another reason for the alts: most people's depression have strong initial defenses against talk therapy. Talk therapy is working in the rational, conscious mind; the alts go somewhere else. Now: a little talk therapy goes a very long way, and many people who are "too smart for therapy... what could they possibly tell me?" find out very quickly (like a big, aggressive guy fighting a real boxer for the first time, suddenly finding themselves flat on the floor) that a trained professional usually has novel, useful perspective. That said, it's hard to merely talk yourself into positive patterns and out of negative ones; talking is what you and everyone else have already tried. Again, please talk to a professional, but I've found a few sessions of the alts rapidly accelerate work you're already doing.

Screw therapy, so much of life feels this way when talking to friends. But this is also why talk therapy takes long for some people. via

Lastly... for talk therapy to work, folks need to be honest with themselves, and that's something nearly everyone already struggles with, and in my observation, most therapists (especially CBT) don't push hard enough. Honestly, when I hear a plurality of my friends talk about therapy, it sounds like they've hired someone to simulate being an affirming friend (and this can be critically important too; section below); IMO a great therapist challenges you too. They help you see what you're missing, even if it's painful to look at. And if you're lucky enough for them to do that, you still need to choose to look at it. I know a woman who hates therapy as an idea, nearly as much as a Scientologist, and she said: "Pablo, can you believe a therapist once told me I'm depressed?!", when in my opinion, so much of her life (and her passioned vendetta against therapy) just reeks of "would a depressed person do THIS!?!"

Truth is, there are a lot of links to this chain that can have a break, or fail to perform. If it's not the therapist, it's the patient, and even when it works, it's a long climb. I know people in therapy relationships for years, they always glow after a session that sounded like blanket affirmation of all their sad feelings, but I'm the one left to tell them their patterns, to suggest the motivations behind them, and what they might seem to actually need, and I'm like: what are you paying this person for? But then again, it might just be my biases here. Not everyone wants to really investigate their psyche, after all.

So... Pablo opinions, summarized:

• Of the talk therapy modalities, my favorite is psychoanalysis, though it's also expensive and has the highest risk of being a dud, so you may have to shop around. It's especially good if you like a good puzzle, or find comfort in forming mental models.

• But really, anything, if you're not doing anything, has the strong possibility of being a life-changer.

• Many people recommend medication. Many people I love swear by it. I'm grateful it exists, and I think there are cases where it's obviously the best answer, and if you think you might need it, fucking get it. Everyone is charge of their own happiness, and please don't let my opinion come off as a judgement. But my opinion is that medication risks shielding someone from pain they may be better-served by looking at and understanding. I also understand that's not possible for many people.

Alternatives

So... why do I like alternatives? Because they go around your normal defenses. If the brain that attacks you is a garrisoned fortress with a moat and drawbridge, a great talk therapist is a skilled diplomat in negotiations with the central government, who represents a different state who can influence yours (a trade partner, or one with a militia). Talk therapy, by working through your conscious mind as it usually operates, will only attack head-on, and work through "official" channels.

The alts... they're more like spies. They skip the guarded wall by climbing up the sewer pipe. They're seducing the government agents and filling their heads with new ideas. They organize the peasants into having a louder voice than normal. They work around the normal channels, your defenses, and can show you what you need to see differently if you won't look there yourself. Often, it's something that would take years of talk therapy to get guided to.

Ketamine-based therapy

This is something new I've tried this year. Companies have sprung up that can provide you with a prescription of pharmaceutical-grade Ketamine (I'm using Mindbloom): you take a big dose to enter a "K-Hole", then you lie back and let your brain work its magic. In my program, you set an intention before the trip (my first one was "show my inner child that he deserves love, and that it's safe to love others," as I'm still working through issues I've talked about here), the trip happens, you journal about what you experienced, then you try to incorporate that new understanding going forward. My program also has ocassional integration sessions which are lovely, but since I still see a psychoanalyst, that part's a bit redundant.

Regarding mental habits: if you've done something a lot, it's easier to do it again. So if you tend to punish yourself, when confronted with a challenging situation, you're brain will more readily reach for the punishment path over a different one. "Neurons that fire together, wire together." Imagine a mountain with well-defined ski slopes that have treads from everyone's previous trips down the mountain: next time you need to go skiing, you'll gravitate to the well-worn path.

Ketamine and psychedelics are like a fresh coat of snow, letting you take other paths, making the more punishing ones a little less accessible. The formal term is "increased neuroplasticity," in that it's a change on the physical level of your neurons. Whereas talk therapy is you trying to force new ski slopes and ignore the main ones without new snow, new snow makes the process that much easier.

It's very, very hard to describe the impact psychedelics and dissociatives can have on your brain until you've experienced it, you literally can't imagine or conceive of what it feels like. One friend described taking mushrooms as "a shower for your soul." This is me at my most Californian: psychedelics and dissociatives changed my life. And using ketamine in a therapy program seems to be doing the same.

I'll share a concrete story: readers of the blog know I struggled hard at the end of 2021, years of aftermath from the dissolution of a relationship I bought a ring for. It was pain I didn't have a name for, and after two years of therapy and boosting and redefining myself with the help of friends, I barely recognize my old life and am thrilled with my current one. But. During my first ketamine treatment a few months ago, I was able to revisit the happy memories of Karen and I together, for the first time without pain. I remembered that moment when I discovered I could really trust her, when I recognized I was going to spend years learning how lucky I truly was that we would be ours. Times we stretched for the other, held each other when we were challenged. I'd pushed all that down. I was elated to re-live so much of my 30's without having to look away. I never forgot how the story ends, or the lessons I've learned since: that we're better apart, and that our breakup was best for all involved. No part of me wanted to go back or change the story. But I think it would have taken another year (or longer) to get emotionally to the same point, where I could remember happy things happily. Within hours I felt a big weight get lifted.

Of course, this isn't without risks: ketamine affects everyone differently, and I could easily see people chasing this dragon like any other drug (ketamine can be addictive). MindBloom isn't cheap (there are other companies too, and while I don't recommend it, other ways to acquire ketamine). But if you're feeling stuck in a loop, consider this.

Hypnotherapy

While I don't think hypnotherapy will have the physical neuroplasticity changes of ketamine, I've been hypnotized, and I'm certified in hypnotherapy (surprise!). I think it's definitely capable of "being a spy that can slip past your brain's fortress" and teach you things about yourself via the subconscious. Most clients of hypnotherapy are using it to "spot correct" bits of lifestyle: quitting smoking, or changing eating and exercise habits. Usually it's not the Big Stuff like depression or anxiety, and usually the therapy relationship isn't "meeting weekly for months or years" (though there's no reason it shouldn't be, if it's working for someone).

But a session or two under trance might safely pull things out of you that you didn't know were there, and wouldn't easily pull out yourself. Besides, it's fun!

Treatment via the alts reminds me of this video. I couldn't find a better version, many previous uploads seem to have taken it down. Probably don't need to watch all 3:00 to get it.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

You probably haven't heard of EMDR, and when I first read about it, I barely believed it was a thing. I learned about it from The Body Keeps the Score (problematic [1, 2], but I got value from reading it). Here's how it works: you focus your eyes on some object (usually a light) that goes back and forth. While you're following it with your eyes, a therapist asks you questions. For some reason, this breaks open your normal brain patterns, letting you open up emotionally in a ways you didn't before.

It reminds me of a backdoor, but for your brain? Like finding the switch in the back of a vending machine that lets you just open it up and reach the snacks. If you don't know where the switch is (or that there's a switch at all), the goods inside are inaccessible. And again, talk therapy is getting really good at inserting money, hitting the buttons, and letting the machine dole out whatever it could normally. But through experimentation we've found a funny brain switch, and it has massive therapeutic potential.

I've never done EMDR, but a friend told me it changed their life, and was worth years of talk therapy (spotting a theme here?). The eye motion reminds me a lot of hypnosis, which also feels like a backdoor, or how you sometimes have great conversations with someone on a road trip (and their brain and eyes are partially occupied by driving). Again, if you're feeling stuck, give it a try. What do you have to lose?

Some disclaimers

I want to qualify this section a bit more: I don't think you should only rely on these techniques. I've only ever supplemented with them, and when people find me soothing or interesting to talk with about life advice, it's mostly from the tools I learned in talk therapy.

One of the few soft things in life I truly believe is the idea of "easy come, easy go." I'm describing these as providing some additional, orthogonal, often dramatic benefit over talk therapy. But you can't make an entire plane out of black box, you can't power a race car only with nitrous boosters, and you shouldn't try to make your wellness depend exclusively on brain hacks and shortcuts. Supplementing with talk therapy, and building out a life with the practices in the section below, is probably best.

But! Consider these alternatives. Or ones I haven't mentioned (acupuncture seems neat. But stay away from chiropractors. I'm into trying quackery but not such quackery it could leave you physically debilitated for life).

Practices

Okay, so "therapies," aside, what else has risen the tide for me? What are things I've found stave off depression and anxiety? This post is already Long, so I'll focus on the juiciest one, and rapid-fire through the rest. As always, feel free to leave a comment below or reach out to me.

Actual, for-real friends go a long way

Make friends. But, like, real ones.

Here's what I mean: most folks can name people in their life they call their friends, so if you say "do you have friends?" they're like, "yeah!" But it's either someone they don't talk to regularly, and they don't share their inner emotions and conflicts with. Conversations are cordial, but you don't feel safe to talk about things you're struggling with on the actual, emotional terms on which you struggle with them. Thematically safe, but not emotionally safe. You'll say "I'm stressed about my job," but not "FUCK I don't know how to handle how useless I feel. I know I'm capable of more, but it's like I can only watch myself choose other activities instead of fulfilling my responsibilities. I know it will lead to failure but I can't stop myself and it makes me hate myself more." Saying that out loud can help; unfortunately most friendships don't go even half that far.

A friend recently shared this framework with me, which asked: who do you trust for the following kinds of support?

1. empathetic support; release emotions and stay balanced
2. visionary support; helps you see a path forward
3. different perspective; shift when you are stuck
4. manage a surge at work or at home
5. helps you makes sense of things
6. helps you laugh at yourself or your situation
7. helps you unplug or take a break from your challenges

Do you have gaps? Are these all a romantic partner? A parent? Of the people who fill in these roles, when was the last time you talked to them? I don't mean to imply "wrong" answers here, it's a big world and our lives take many shapes over the course. I spent most of my adult life more isolated than I'd like to admit, and a large part of that was failure to recognize I was isolated, resistance to the believing I deserved better, and a failure to understand the benefits of being well-supported. But if there are gaps... life is a lot nicer if you can fill them.

(If you're a person who takes your job seriously, there's a similar idea for work I first saw called "building your Manager Voltron," also good advice)

Part of why this is hard: before you can share this with someone, you have to let yourself hear it. Most of us Good Educated Liberals don't want to acknowledge that we have ugly thoughts. Your desire to not objectify someone means you push down an impulse that may feel like "sometimes I get so horny I just can't fucking think straight and want to use [named person] like meat." We learn Violence Is Never the Answer and that Anger is Dangerous, so we don't give a voice to the impulse of "I'd fucking love it if my ex got syphilis. I don't want permanent damage. I just want their genitals to itch for months while they shamefully remember how they treated me, leaving me for someone else."

No shame if you're not good at this. It's terrifying to confront one's ugly feelings, since you'd really rather believe you're not capable of such cruelty, even imagined. The examples above are amplified for effect, and you may not use such evocative imagery. But if you think "I don't have feelings like that"... well, I used to think that too. And now that I listen to myself better, I know better, and I feel better too. I am not my worst thoughts, but I've stopped pretending I can out-think them. Everyone poops (emotionally). Everyone feels anger, and jealousy, and humiliation, and gets horny, and sometimes it's ugly. And before you can feel understood by others, truly understood, you need to work to understand yourself.

This is also why lasting change with talk therapy can be challenging: many don't give a voice to all their feelings, even to themselves. The therapist doesn't have a way in, because they're not being shown the parts that matter. Ignoring these feelings is a mistake; you're left emotionally constipated, and wondering why you have all the Right Thoughts but still want to die. It's like a household with one harder-than-the-others child: it's easier to give them less attention and only love the ones who make you feel good. But neglect will make them act out worse, and it's the same for your psyche. It takes practice, and these are usually a very small minority of your thoughts. But once you get it, you'll be in a way better place.

This got made by... the Norwich City Football Club? Wild. I was moved. via

Back to friends. Do you have someone (who you're not dating) who you can call right now, and tell them about what you're struggling with? Are you in a chat you can share memes in? If this person fucking bothers you sometimes, are you able to tell them that you're angry with them? But you don't get angry with them that often, actually? Friends who inspire you into laughter every time you hang out, but can also handle you when you're crying? Who you'll do anything for, and know they'll do anything for you? And do you talk regularly?

At times in my life it's been a Zoom chat when I had nobody locally, though the main reason I haven't left SF even though I think this city is okay is because of the strength I get from a few folks here. I've had friend groups before but this current one feels blessed. I think most blue people in my life are in friendships (or even their romantic relationships) without the sufficient trust, support, or capability to achieve those things.

"Make friends," like "find a great therapist" is actually anti-advice if you feel like you're not there yet, because it's like "okay Einstein, how?" The main things I'd say:

• Find the bravery to put more weight on your current friendships. Share that ugly thought. Tell that risky joke. Ask them if that's really all that's wrong, or for details. This is much easier 1:1, and most people will have a strong preference for "in-person chats" or "in the texts, later." Most people are more understanding and resilient than we give them credit for, and are grateful for the extra trust. If the extra weight breaks the friendship, you can adjust expectations: see that person less and give that weight to someone who'd be grateful for it.

• In my experience, all this moribund "burden sharing" is best done with people you naturally laugh with. It's not just "can they handle you when you're struggling," the better indicator is "when you hang out, do you laugh, easily and often? How hard do you have to think before sharing any little thought, even trivial ones, that are on your mind?" Or: "does it feel like play to be with them?"

• Reach out to people you've been close to and aren't anymore for reasons that aren't "we had a big, obvious conflict" (maybe you got separated by geography?) and propose a weekly or biweekly call or hangout. I'm close to a very unlikely someone here, and we built this friendship one weekly walk at a time. No agenda, just: every Friday, we walk. Maybe get pastries. And in that walk we talk about what's on our minds, with lots of laughter.

• To steal a line from a very old article: "Alcohol is the only liquid on earth that functions as both lubricant and bonding agent. Exploit it." There's a reason people hang out together in bars and pubs. Don't form a bad habit, but substances can grease the wheels a bit.

• I think you're more likely to trust and build bonds with people who are in your contemporary age group, and probably from school or work. I think shared context is powerful (people who get your references), but also: seems the way to make deep friendships is "regular, spontaneous contact": regular, as in, happens on a schedule that's not elective, and spontaneous, where there's space to chew the fat and simply exist without a dedicated purpose. This is the opposite of most adult social gatherings ("next Tuesday night, let's get dinner"), and it's exactly what work and school are ("hey, it's them again, at that place we have to Be together, and will continue to always show up at."), which is why we make so many friends in those environments.

Spiritual practice

I don't believe in God, but like I mentioned here, I used to be a lot happier when I did. I have a friend who got very into Ayurvedic principles and certain ideas around it (like having "fire energy," and balancing out chakras) have been pretty useful frameworks to navigate my emotions, and where I'm blocked.

I've said it before but it bears re-stating: it's important to feel like your life matters. It's important to feel like a main character of a meaningful story. Some people find comfort in "nothing matters, it's all meaningless" but in my opinion, that itself provides some purpose: that you don't have to codify it in a Big Narrative, the purpose is just to be, and be content with being.

I find it through art, I find it through a few woo beliefs, I find it in altered states of consciousness, but also: I'm finding a lot of peace with listening more openly to the words of spiritual practices.

Also, outside my own experience: a ton of people in my life went back to synagogue or church as adults and found guidance they wanted. It's multifaceted; consider it.

Exercise, meditation, journaling, hobbies...

You've heard of these, I've done them all, and they help. Can say more on request but this is long enough as it is 😛

You are responsible for your (and only your) happiness

Re-reading my depression post, the main difference between then and now is: that post feels kind of bleak. I mean, the tone is chipper, but I seem resigned to be depressed, forever. At the time, it was useful to take that frame. For example, when talking about religion, I said (emphasis new):

I used to be very Catholic: I prayed every night. I wore a cross. I would say, out loud to God, "hey, no lack of faith here, just taking a shower" before I took off my cross. My spirituality dropped off in high school as I started getting horny and depressed, especially since the unceasing pain was evidence that either God didn't love me enough to throw me a lifesaver, or I was just getting what he judged me to deserve.

In this context, atheism in college was a relief. On top of the downright farcical things Catholicism asked me to believe (a giant Sky Daddy with the power to create the entire universe cares about me, specifically, and also, 6 billion other people), it cleared me from having to think my pain was connected to some greater purpose or plan, or that I deserved it.

Writing that post, a decade ago, where I framed depression as a given and probably a burden I'll carry all my life, was a relief I needed, like letting go of God was. I needed to tell myself that so I didn't kick myself for being so sad in the first place. For not having solved something others seemed to do effortlessly. The only way to safely embark on a journey that I might fail was to tell myself it wasn't a journey I had much agency in at all, and the destination was already predetermined. Once I lost the pressure of having to "fix" myself, I could focus on just existing. And just existing for a while was exactly what I needed.

I don't say this in judgement of my past self, or anyone who feels "this is a given, and I'll exist like this forever." There's no single correct way to live your life, and with 8 billion people, there's every kind of experience. Sometimes you need to break a fall, and the tool for that is a different one than you use to fly. Wings are great, but we've also invented parachutes for a reason.

These days, my game is less "survive" while avoiding a floor, and more "maximize living" and reach for a ceiling. I'm excited to live to be an old man, at which point I'll pick up shoplifting. If someone catches me, I'll act confused. I want to sneak my grandkids too much candy. There's too much good food to eat in a single lifetime but goddammit I'm going to try. I want to fuck a woman wearing a wedding dress. I want to sing songs that make people cry. I want to see my kid roll their eyes because I told a legitimately good joke around their friends, then give the "I used to be with it" speech, which drives them even crazier.

I still struggle, and I'm probably seeing a therapist more often than you are. But change can happen. I'm grateful for what has, and looking forward to more.